Thanks to my (Scottish) friend Gordon for this.

BBC World
Cup Guidelines for commentary team.

1 -Within 1 minute of
kick off in the opening match (Germany v Costa Rica), the commentator must mention
England.

2 - Regardless of what
two teams are contesting the final, England have to be mentioned within the
first minute.

3 - The commentator
shall refer to the Falkland Isles in passing at some point in the match if England
play Argentina.

4 - Whenever a hat
trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be made within seconds of the
third goal hitting the net.

5 - Should England
wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be mentioned approximately 20
times.

6 - 1966 will be
mentioned approximately 10 times a match, or only on 4 or 5 occasions for
matches not involving England.

7 - Prior to the
captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the commentator will mention
Bobby Moore. And 1966.

8 - When Germany are
playing, they must be referred to as being arrogant by the commentator on at
least 14 occasions.  This must refer to their style, their passing, their
haircuts and their general footballing ability.

9 - Should England
play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill, Dambusters, The Luftwaffe and Adolf
Hitler will be compulsory.  And 1966.

10 - All Scottish
members of our commentary team must continue to refer to England as "we" and
"us".

11 - We must ensure
that nationlistic stereotypes are adhered to.  Of course, the Germans are
arrogant. The Spanish are bottlers, The Ivory Coast are fast but bad at defending,  The Angolans
are disorganised, The Argentinians
are cheats and the French are only good because their best players play in
England.

12 - For matches not
involving England, we must only discuss the players that are playing in
England.  (eg – Holland v Argentina should be referred to as Van Nistelroy v
Crespo).

13 - The mythical
"bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often as possible.

14 - Each match
involving England should begin with the phrase "England
Expects."

15 - Should any player
be involved in an injury that involves the loss of teeth, then references to
Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.

16 - If in doubt,
mention 1966.

17 - Praise all of the
stunning new stadiums in Germany but emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the
spiritual home of football since 1966.

18 - Commentators
should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth Wolstenholme, the hero of
1966.

19 - Should any team
feature brothers playing together, then Jackie and Bobby Charlton should be
mentioned.

20 - When England bow
out after the first stage, we must emphasise that it is a massive blow to
football and a serious loss to the World Cup.